"I am left with the melancholy sensations that my life has been spent in a perpetual state of parallel play, alongside, but distinctly apart from, the rest of humanity."

-Tim Page

The summer before junior year, I went MIA and I spent the majority of my summer with Ilani, a guy, and myself. This is the summer I realized that I should be out there living life instead of being cooped up in my room doing SAT review and what not.

I don't know if it was the best or the worst decision I've ever made because I've been too busy living life these past two years. Even if I don't do well in school, I'm happy with my life. I forgot what it means to work hard for something. See, I don't even know what that something is. I used to scoff at the idea of working hard and then living life after you've made your success. The truth is you'll never be young again. We'll never have the same flexibility in our time and bodies ever again. This is it, I'm a day older than I was yesterday.

That's my main conflict in life. I can't seem to put my priorities together because in my definition, success does not always mean happiness. I can be making a lot of money and I won't ever be happy. Of course, success and happiness are definitely related, but I find happiness in endless nights with friends and talking till the sun rises. I take chances to go out and do something different. The feeling of being infinite is one of my favorite feelings in the world. It's a beautiful feeling and I'm scared I'll never feel it again.

However, it's week seven and I'm scared for my life; I'm scared I'll get a 3.0 or lower. I'm scared I won't meet the requirements for pharmacy school. I'm scared I'll never peak in life in terms of doing well and going to a "good" graduate school. My fears of failing are a result of living life. I put school aside to live life and while I was doing it, I forgot I was behind in the race of pursuing success.

I need to change and find myself again. This change has to come rapidly. It can't wait another four years. I'm eighteen and I'm not a teenager anymore. It's time to take full responsibility for my actions and decisions.

So as of right now, I'm putting living life on hold and putting studying and academics first.

Also, another note to myself, I really have to stop fucking things up.

"But the problem with me was that as soon as I started thinking about getting it together, I got this made craving desire to fuck it up." Rebecca Godfrey's quote represents almost exactly how I am in everything.

Also....I need to take note and stop being so "derpy" because I'm ultimately always going to be put in the bro zone. I'm just going to be forever alone exactly like the internet meme. As a result of this when I try to be serious, nobody ever takes me seriously. They just say "derp" and "herp" to my comments. Frankly, I find it a tad irritating at times because I feel like anything I say is downright stupid. I guess another thing is that I can't truly connect with anybody at UCSB other than my roommate. Everybody's really nice and fun here, but I can't get in touch with anybody in a deeper level. I really want to find someone in school or who I can talk to on a daily basis about music and film. Ultimately, I want to find someone who is just as passionate as me.