"Change is constant. How we experience change - that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second change at life. If we open our fingers and loosen our grips and go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again" -Grey's Anatomy

Being in a new environment is my chance to have what I couldn't have in high school. Nine weeks in and I have one week left to change nine weeks worth of old habits and laziness. Right now my stubborn mentality isn't ready to give in to zero results.

My weekend at home gave me a lot of time and space to think about everything. I realize that I love living by myself. Though I hate spiders and have a fear of being robbed, it's minute compared to how much I love having the house to myself. I can blast my music as loud as I want without anybody noticing. I establish my own curfew with self-control and consider what I have to do the next day. In the end, my alone time is something I cherish a lot. It's where I slip into my PJs and go on Reddit while listening to music. I can be a couch potato and watch free movies on TV. I can take a shower and walk around naked for a good thirty minutes. Heck, sometimes I'll even go on the computer naked and forget I'm not fully clothed.

I can go out and take a meaningless drive even if it's around the city. Some don't know, but I really like Walnut for what it is. When I drive on Amar late at night, I feel safe because it's so quiet and dark. Walnut is one of the few suburbs with so many rows of trees and like four parks. It's where I've had a lot of my adventures, the weekly rounds to Three Oaks and going into the backyards of open houses. The unrestricted roads with dirt and looking over the city lights with almost a 360 degree view is one of the best feelings in the world. It's where I truly forget that I'm here and my existence is anything but important. It's an out of world experience for me.

Despite recent disappointment and bottled up emotions, I appreciate the idea of living. I am able to feel the sharp sensation of the heart dropping to the floor, the idea of wasted hope on something that might not ever happen, and the heaviness of the human soul because of regret. All of this is contrasted with feeling the giddy excitement of finding the perfect cream colored jacket on Black Friday with 20% off and the adrenaline of getting lost in LA late at night. It's seeing the dozens of Christmas lights at the Grove and being consumed in childish amusement that makes me realize how good it feels to be human. I can feel the coldness of the Santa Barbara chill against my cheeks; I can hear the clarity of Ben Gibbard's voice in his masterful cover of The Smiths. I can feel the warmness of a shirt against your skin after laundry. It's these sensations that makes me love life.

I can finally move past my unhappiness that I never tried hard in high school. I never ever wasted those precious four years. I went out and did everything I could on a teenage expectations list. I grabbed every opportunity be happy and why would I regret any of that? In fact, why did I ever regret it?

See as much as I wish I could forget some things (why lacuna inc not real) or logically look at everything, I wouldn't have grown this much as a person if it weren't for all those mistakes. Now that I'm in college, I won't make the same mistakes like I did in high school. Of course, I can't promise that because I'm not perfect, but I can only do my best and not mess up.

So I beg of myself to try my absolute hardest in these next two weeks. I need to drive all my negativity into my school work. If I succeed and meet my expectations, it is the only start of a change that I have always desired. Then during winter break, I will throughly enjoy it with the greatest people and laze as much as I want.

I will deal with this heads on because I have the aid of wonderful friends, caring family members, music, and time. I will be patient and strong, and in the end, everything will turn out alright.

Oh, and I forgot to mention thank you for being a somewhat of a catalyst in my life. The way you told me off that one night made me realize that I do have to change my habits. You said it harshly, but I appreciate it a lot. I know it was unintentional, but it gave me a lot to think about. I'm sure you'll never really know, but you're a good influence and you're smart about a lot of things even though you're retarded half the time. Sometimes I hope something good will come out of this, but for now I'm going with the flow. I really do appreciate all the little things you do.

Finally, SB bound in six hours.