Over the course of these past few days, I did a lot of thinking about myself as a person and how I want to change. My I-don't-give-a-fuck behavior developed in junior year after continuously failing in the academics area. Eventually it became my way of dealing with things I didn't want to do and became my excuse when I didn't want to study. Now I wait till the last minute to do things and I'm always late to class even if it's just a couple minutes.
After staying in the library for a long time and actually understanding my errors on my chemistry midterms, I realize I'm not that dumb after all. I actually have the potential to do well on the final. I shouldn't give up on science if it's what I want to do with the rest of my life. Though art history remains to be a passion of mine, I know I can't do much with it. I actually enjoy chemistry a lot so I'm going to stay in my major and not drop out. For the first time in a long time, I actually want to be smart and intelligent; I want to be able to solve problems without struggling and looking at the solutions manual. In fact, I want to be able to fluently explain the answer in class without getting it wrong.
I'm sure this change sparked from the long talks with Evelyn about always wanting to change and be a better person. Honestly, I get so tired from always wanting to change, but never actually doing it. Perhaps the reason why it took me so long to actually start to change stemmed from just changing little things in my appearance and the way I walk. My habit of walking like a man is slowly going away; it takes time to get used to.
I'm tired of all the self-loathe I have for myself about how I'm never good enough for anything. A lot of it disintegrated after having a better understanding of myself. Through talks with Evelyn, Ilani, Howard, and Justin I want to be a better person at the end of this school year.
That's why I'm so excited for summer because I can't wait to see the improved version of myself. Even though I'm not doing something amazing like going on daily adventures, I have to concentrate on school, my relationships with people, and ultimately myself. I need to stop giving up and doubting myself all the time. I can be everything I have always envisioned and hoped to be.
Though I sometimes don't like Santa Barbara, it reminds me that it's summer in the middle of February. I shouldn't need to be envious of others, but start to truly appreciate everything I have in SB. I have a best friend who puts up with my messy half of the room and has long talks with me till sunrise. I have the most hilarious hallmates who help me on chemistry and laugh with me at stupid things. I have someone who puts up with my overanalyzing self and wakes me up from my daily naps. I have a mother who loves me and calls me to make sure I'm okay. In reality, I have everything I could possibly want and need.
Hey, I know I might not get a good grade in chemistry, but at least I'm coming into the final knowing that I tried my best.
Final in twelve hours, I can do this.
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